ELE’S PLACE · RESOURCE HUB
Explaining Suicide to Children
Suicide is a topic often surrounded by silence and shame; it is hard for most adults to understand and even harder to explain to children. However, if parents don’t talk to their children about suicide, their children may hear about it elsewhere and may get inaccurate or confusing information.
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We believe that children can cope with difficult situations as long as they can talk about it openly with their parents or guardians. Children work hard to make sense out of their world, and adults can help them with that task by providing information and reassurance. An unknown can easily cause apprehension even for adults, and it is important to provide age-appropriate, concrete information for children to enable them to prevent imaginations and minds from over-thinking and creating distress in addition to their bereavement.
The following guidelines are intended for families who may not be directly affected by a suicide, but who wish to talk about this subject with their child. Click on any of the below to read in further detail.
01 · CONVERSATION GUIDANCE
Talking Calmly
Children look to you for cues and will pick up on your discomfort. They will benefit from your ability and willingness to help them understand. As with any death, it is okay to show emotion to a child, and it is okay to verbalize what they are feeling. E.g., “I am very sad that your loved one died, and it is okay to be sad,” or “It seems like you are angry because they died. Would you like to talk about that?” Like many adults, children feel validated when they learn that their emotions are acceptable and legitimate.
02 · CONVERSATION GUIDANCE
Explaining the Word
Suicide is when a person takes his or her own life, or does something to make himself or herself die. Most often, people who choose suicide are severely depressed and believe it is the only way to stop their pain.
Linda Goldman, in her book Breaking the Silence, defines suicide for children as follows: “Suicide is when people decide they do not want their body to work anymore and they stop their body from working. They are so, so sad or so, so angry or so, so depressed that their mind becomes mixed up. They forget they can get help. There is always another way.”
Many professionals discourage the use of the phrase “committed suicide” because of the negative connotations of the verb commit (e.g. crime, sin); you could instead say the person completed suicide, died by suicide, suicided, or took his/her own life.
03 · CONVERSATION GUIDANCE
Understanding Depression
It is different from the sadness and “depression” that many people experience occasionally. It is normal to occasionally feel sad, lonely, dispirited, or upset, sometimes for no reason, and we often call this depression. This is different from clinical depression, which can be a debilitating disease causing severe emotional pain, hopelessness, and inability to seek help or believe life can be better. People who choose suicide often believe that others will be better off without them. You might explain to a young child that when a person dies by suicide, their mind was sick and they were not able to think clearly and make good decisions.
04 · CONVERSATION GUIDANCE
Help & Other Choices
Medical treatment and counseling can help people who are severely depressed. Talk with your child about coping with sadness and other difficult feelings and help them identify things they can do such as talking with someone, or using art, music, writing or physical activity to express their feelings. Children may need reassurance that you will not choose suicide no matter how sad or upset you are, and that you will seek help if you or anyone in the family ever feels depressed or hopeless. (Do not offer false assurances. If you or your child are experiencing chronic or severe depression, seek professional help.)
05 · CONVERSATION GUIDANCE
Sharing Your Beliefs
If your family holds religious or spiritual beliefs about what happens after death, share those beliefs in a comforting, age-appropriate way, while listening openly to your child’s questions and feelings.